A life destroyed...

Discussion in 'Poetry and Lyrics Forum' started by d_ist_urb_ed, Feb 25, 2006.

  1. d_ist_urb_ed

    d_ist_urb_ed Genuflect b*tches!

    A life destroyed

    Shattered i fall
    Writhing in pain, crawling unto you
    So jagged your gaze
    It incinerates my being
    Our lives so tenebrous
    Deception, our norm
    Torment, our release
    Servitude, our fate
    Eternal bond or eternal bondage?
    My life, i have given
    Laid at your feet
    In hope of a fleeting convalescence
    Yet here i lie, in my blood
    That i have shed, to recieve a translucent disposition
    With you watching silently, in numbed joy
    I have succumbed, pride broken, thoughts lost
    heart turned to stone and soul dead
    Is this your dominion,
    your will rendered?
    I feel my breath losing me,
    and as i fall into this eternal abyss,
    i see you smile.........

    First attempt at any kind of writing.
    zoomingrocket and notty_lad like this.
  2. abhimanjrekar

    abhimanjrekar ----> Zhol-Man<----

    first attempt !!...hell...thts better man....wonder how ul write in future...good one........
  3. bjr

    bjr Lady of the Evening

    I thought the idea, by itself, was quite trendy...and a tad cliched (Ironic that I say the two things in the same sentence).

    Well-written. An idea like this needs the way you've written it to work and you've done well.

    My life, i have given
    Laid at your feet
    In hope of a fleeting convalescence
    Yet here i lie, in my blood
    That i have shed, to recieve a translucent disposition
    With you watching silently, in numbed joy

    Beautiful imagery. You should write more often.

    My only real complaint would be that it tends to get wordy at places (fleeting convalescence, translucent disposition). That happens to me a lot when I'm writing and I reckon it's because I'm not really in "artist mode" then. The flow is still pretty good when I'm reading it so I suppose thats okay.

    I think you'll enjoy reading through shsnawada's here...check them out sometime.
  4. d_ist_urb_ed

    d_ist_urb_ed Genuflect b*tches!

    :nw: Constructive criticism..thank you very much. About the idea, to tell you the truth, as i wrote the first few lines, i was not even thinking about what i was going to write about. I was listening to Funeral in Carapathia and they just kind of flowed out. It took me about 15 minutes to write, and i realized at the end that it was cliched, but i was too lazy to go back and change anything. True to my word, this is the first time in my entire life that i have ever attempted to put something down. And the wordy :grin: Heh, that's a habit i have to unlearn. The same problem exists with my prose. And i'll definitely go through shsnawada's, thank you again.
  5. amit82cse

    amit82cse Silent observeR

    very well written @d_ist_urb_ed...

    Keep it up!!!
  6. DrSaurabh

    DrSaurabh Wh@+s Up D0C

    i jsut say one thing...waht is it about .....hopefully not based on anything factual :annoyed:
  7. vini

    vini Repeat Offender

    *tries to recover*
    *gets herself together*

    Hmmm..Its certainly way too much good as a piece of poetry and that too written for first time in someone's life...It seems rather professional!..Anyways moving on..to be honest> the vocabulary u used in ur poem..i had to keep my dictionary.com bookmark handy..there were atleast 4-5 words which went over my head :p: but thats not a complain,ok? I really liked it like anything!!..trust me..umm..i dunno if im short of words! :think: Umm..i need to read it again. Bye for now!

    ps-will post more words of praise if they come to my mind :p:
  8. vini

    vini Repeat Offender

    factual..is it? :Worried:
  9. madhuresh

    madhuresh madhuresh

    aree hero tu to usataad hai yaar.....
    infinitly better to pata nahi cause never seen infinity ...magar ...4 first attempt tooooooooooooo gooooood *chummaa le*....kamaal dhoti phaad ke rumaal ..... but ek to shyaar paida kiya mere tutorial ne :-D .....
    "tu maane, ya na maane, hum phir bhi yahi kaheenge
    tera husn khil gaya hai meri aashiki ke karan"
    bjr likes this.
  10. d_ist_urb_ed

    d_ist_urb_ed Genuflect b*tches!

    Due thanks must be given
    @abhi, thank you bro, i wasnt really intending to write anymore, but i just might :grin:
    @amit82cse, thank you!
    @DrSaurabh, not in the exactness but who knows........
    @Vini didi, you're just being a sweetheart, lol, and i swear to god, this was my first time( i sound like a freakin virgin coming out of the first night of marriage....)
    @madhuresh, thank you for you gracious words bro, i really appreciate you taking the time and reading and commenting on the poem, i really do. Thank you.
  11. BubblyMartini

    BubblyMartini !!!HAWM

    i guess you could give Me the answer..to Docs question

  12. notty_lad

    notty_lad sudo undress

    @disturbed !! .. Entered da poetry forum wid a BANG ! :rock:

    Regarding poem .. Simple pure feelings encrypted in Complex words makin it a great mixture ;) ..

  13. d_ist_urb_ed

    d_ist_urb_ed Genuflect b*tches!

    ^Aw man, *sisters*, lol, Ok, disclaimer attached, the poem is not factual people, nor is the theme, so please chill.
  14. notty_lad

    notty_lad sudo undress

    ^^^If u can encrypt so many lines in da poem .. even this line could be encrypted(n have mysterious roots) :grin:
  15. d_ist_urb_ed

    d_ist_urb_ed Genuflect b*tches!

    @notty_lad, lol, thank you! :grin: I was trying for a poem in which you couldnt easily read between the lines, i must have failed :p:
  16. bjr

    bjr Lady of the Evening

    Not really. The best part about reading this sort of poetry is the multi-dimensional ambiguity. Each person reading this might get a different idea out of it. Some may get more than one even.

    And I looked up dictionary.com on tenebrous :grin:

    and cliche isn't nescessarily a bad thing. Love brings the best out of a lot of people too.
  17. d_ist_urb_ed

    d_ist_urb_ed Genuflect b*tches!

    :grin: I should start guaging my poem's worth by noting down how many people needed the dictionary. And yes this is true, i need to have my work reviewed by you before posting or something.
  18. zoomingrocket

    zoomingrocket TeChNiCaL AdMiNiStRaToR

    * reads *
    * rubs his eyes and again reads with concentration... *
    * searches for his lil oxford dic... *
    * Understands it... *

    Way to go bro... Tats a beautiful poem..
    And i know it aint ur first one.... Maybe ur first one on IGT...
    Gud one..
    Keep it up...and Keep writing...

  19. d_ist_urb_ed

    d_ist_urb_ed Genuflect b*tches!

    ^Zoomu, we go way back bro, and i swear it's my first one, on IGT, in life, wherever.
    #iR@ likes this.
  20. #iR@


    HOLY SHIT! U R GOOD MAN!!!!!!! U BETTER KEEP RITING MR! :cool: and all i need to say is... TOLD YA U COULD RITE! :p: reps comming ur way! i am impressed...

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