i stare at a girl pretty she could've been but her eyes dont twinkle after all that she's seen.. her eyes are red now from all the crying and screaming i am sure her lips are twisted now the same lips those were once pink and pure.. her figure's fragile she is not what she used to be she's full of sorrow she is as sad as one can be.. her friends called her sunshine she was the one who made everyone smile but now it seems the life has ceased and now she shows the pain that has been there all this while.. i sometimes wonder what happened to her wonder what it could be and then i stare at my reflection and she stares right back at me..
simple and awesome poetry ...this word "sunshine" is like very close to my heart ..so i particularly like the lines after it u try and write a happier version of this ...if its sad its not the end ... reps added
thanks a lot perhaps i should leave it sad for now..maybe it demands it..but lets c in near future if there is some happiness..then i shall rewrite it..
The poetry is good. Somewhere in between it seems a little insincere, but the end makes up for everything. So, overall, very good !
it's not the specific lines, rather a culmination of several aspects. If you intend to show a serious mood, even the punctuation matters a bit.. but these lines: "her eyes are red now from all the crying and screaming i am sure" "she's full of sorrow" don't create the feeling of intense pain she must be feeling. and finally: "her friends called her sunshine she was the one who made everyone smile but now it seems the life has ceased and now she shows the pain that has been there all this while" The above four lines are good, but there is dis-symmetry in the number of syllables... All this still doesn't undermine the theme of the poetry, which I believe is the best part..