dooba hu itna karz mein sirr uthake chal nahi skta nazar mila k chal nahi sakta.. ada krne ka kuch zaria nahi log farishto ki baatein krte hain mere liye fir kyu koi parian nahi.. izzat thi kabi meri b, zindgi thi kabi meri b log khushi mein mujhko salam krte the takleef mein salah ko yad kia krte the.. aaj yahi log nazar churana munasib smjhte hain dekhkr andekha kr jana munasib smjhte hain soorat ka aitbar kya kru jab fitrat bdl jati hai.. tarazu mein apna saman bechta hu madad ko hath failata hu log faqeer kehkr mar dete hain mein taqdeer samajh kr kha leta hu.. aaj saman bechne ka sabab nahi khatam ho chala hai sab so khud tarazu mein baitha hu.. kharidar koi milta na rab izzat bechkr mein apni jism bechne ko tarazu mein baitha hu.. fir b koi kharidar na rab namanzoor kr jate hain sbb kehte hain jism prr kharonche boht hain..
I think the thought process is good...but somehow the word selection and rhyming scheme make it too juvenile....the thought holds much scope...
...hahaha ..opps sentimental people ... anyways ... let me try again ....Nandy u made a mess of the theme and execution is even worse ...what is it exactly ? what do u want to say? were u drunk when u wrote it ?? lol there is no theme no plot its like some irratic lines about a beggar ...what do u think i should comment on !!!
umm nope..i wasnt drunk..as far as i remember : there is a theme...its about a rich person who has turned into a poor man ..due to some circumstances..and hw suddnly the society the ppl hu were once nice to him have now turned their back towards him..rest of the poem..means the last part defines his hopelessness and desperation and even then hw badly the society reacts to him..i guess..this ws it..
the way one handles his critics tells a lot about the person if only i can my suggestion is when ever u write such stuff do use a some imagery or a way with words..not just straight lines to describe the what meets the eye... poetry starts with whats does not (there might be exceptions but thats how i felt bout ur poem.. So how i would have put it across... u wrote.. dooba hu itna karz mein sirr uthake chal nahi skta nazar mila k chal nahi sakta.. Karz itna badha zamaane main daar lagta hia nazar milane main abb nikalta hunn jab apni hi galiyoon se Sakoon milata hai chup-chaap gujar jaane main
hmm i agree i wrote it pthetically..ill re write it.. but was i was trying to say is k ther's nthing wrong with the theme.. ..