Commercialized Spirituality

Discussion in 'Poetry and Lyrics Forum' started by nandy0894, Mar 3, 2012.

  1. nandy0894

    nandy0894 New Member

    Walking down this dusty road ..
    i come across this grand temple ..
    ah! the lamps are lit and how they burn!
    the sweet 'prasad' look how its churned!
    i go closer near to this magnificent building to know the occasion
    and i come across a howling crowd ..ah i get it .. its all in normal fashion
    Feeling a bit excited myself..i join the crowd
    the ladies dancing around ..not caring one bit about their sacred shroud
    i was tired..and hungry and i thought that for this i would need to walk a lot
    but.i was just being pushed forward fighting people and fighting the naked rays that the sun shot
    i felt like screaming out loud
    i just had to get out of this crowd
    while i was still thinking.. actually trying to think about all of this
    all hell broke loose..i held up my head to see was there something that i did miss?
    i saw a man .. walking so coolly with a broad smile and bad teeth out of the limousine
    i tried observing him ..but all i could notice was that his bodyguards were oh so mean!
    pushing people away even hitting some..letting no one touch 'His Highness'
    but what amazed me was that 'He' walked unperturbed dwelling in his prowess
    it was only after he had entered comfortably that we walked in .. 'He' sat on an elevated chair
    rubbing his beard..massaging his head as though already very tired ..he smiled at his own flair..
    God' messenger ..he likes being called and everybody addresses him like that
    He smiles again clearing his throat moving his hand on his belly that's weighing with money..oh so fat
    to everyone who listens ..he is a such a simple man ..ah yes from the outside
    ask people who are close..that how dark and mysterious he is from the inside
    he talks of great deeds and things..each one so true
    touching your heart..his words dance in your ears..going right through
    His voice and behavior fluctuates among poor, rich and the powerful
    polite with rich..engaged with powerful and raging with the poor as a wild bull
    he talks for a minute and then goes silent
    closing their eyes people see god..he is no tyrant
    people fake ecstasy..they dance and they sing
    ah! what happiness does his graceful presence brings
    he gets up and leaves smiling at the few who sit in the first row..
    they nod as well ..excited to attend the before booked strip club show
    he walks down the aisle still proud .. oh but he taught about submission today
    doesn't matter that's for those who care to follow..his bodyguards 'clear' the way
    he smiles at them and then winks and then he throws a few coins at them
    brisking away to his secret room..he kisses his earnings ..ah his sole gems
    laughing a wicked laugh but still with burning lust he leaves the room alone
    sweating a lil in his saffron cloth but not caring to take that handkerchief out his pocket on his own
    oh yesterday he he had taught his devoted crowd about self reliance
    and everyday he defies his own teachings..about anything..be it respect or compliance
    he sits in his limo again not caring to wave back to the frenzied crowd
    yet each one there bows and screams out their goodbyes out so loud
    i shake my head and care to finally breathe while the crowd with smiling faces walks away
    i also walk back home..still thinking..letting the my brain be calmed by the cold wind that sways
    thinking some more..i reach 'His' window of a completely black house
    the lights are out..hearing faint moans..ah maybe its just some mouse
    but when i listen closely i know exactly what it is..
    so tranquil and transparent he had seemed siting on that high seat..that you imagined still waters
    but how would some one know reaching home .. he was tired, wild and frustrated..oh..the solution? he rapes his own daughters..
    i turn back and i walk on..with watery eyes..
    thinking of the dog and scanning 'his' lies
    and i then i know 'spirituality is commercialized' ..
     
    horsesmouth and Super-Admin like this.
  2. Super-Admin

    Super-Admin Administrator Staff Member

    Interesting read ... Sad but true ...
     
  3. bjr

    bjr Lady of the Evening

    I was a little disappointed...you had built it up really well but at the end of it, it almost seemed like reading a newspaper report. I would have preferred it being a little subtle or better thought out. Top marks for the title.
     
  4. nandy0894

    nandy0894 New Member

    oops
    "thinking some more..i reach 'His' window of a completely black house
    the lights are out..hearing faint moans..ah maybe its just some mouse
    but when i listen closely i know exactly what it is..
    so tranquil and transparent he had seemed siting on that high seat..that you imagined still waters
    but how would some one know reaching home .. he was tired, wild and frustrated..oh..the solution? he rapes his own daughters..
    i turn back and i walk on..with watery eyes..
    thinking of the dog and scanning 'his' lies
    and i then i know 'spirituality is commercialized' .."

    i guess you are taking about this part?
    Well, this poem hasn't really turned out the way i wanted it to be..
    anyways..suggest me something..i mean some ending? ill try to write that part again..what say?

    and..yes..thank you :)
     
  5. nandy0894

    nandy0894 New Member

    yes..very true..
    and thank you.. :)
     
  6. horsesmouth

    horsesmouth Active Member

    Ahh...finally something worth your capabilities... Though I hadn't thought you'd put the end so blatantly ruthless. Maybe a little subtler?? Still its a good read. And btw is it your experience (if yes, who are you refering to, may I know) or your thoughts??Reps, if I can.
     
  7. Morbid_Angel

    Morbid_Angel Sid the sloth

    with bjr on this one, these kind of subjects totally require more subtlety and to achieve that, you need to think about it beforehand. use symbols instead of talking about a man in a limousine..you don't have to directly say "he rapes his own daughters" but use some other symbolism to illustrate that..that's what poetry is all about.

    it was still a nice read, but with more effort it would seem like it came from an 18 year old :p:
     
  8. nandy0894

    nandy0894 New Member


    thank you..i guess ill have to rephrase the ending..
    and naaa..not my experience as such
     
  9. nandy0894

    nandy0894 New Member

    hmm..i ll rephrase it..soon
    and arre..? 18 year old...and now it seems to come from??
     
  10. Morbid_Angel

    Morbid_Angel Sid the sloth

    hahah..you don't wanna know :grin:
     
  11. nandy0894

    nandy0894 New Member

    i do i do i do i do i do i do i do
    iiiii doooooooooooooooooooooooo !!!! :(
     
  12. horsesmouth

    horsesmouth Active Member

    maybe something like... His daughters carry his vengeful misdeeds, his wretched blessings in their wombs... Or something like that... You can change the order of words to have that devastating effect you desire too...
     
  13. alpha1

    alpha1 I BLUES!

    Spirituality?
    Oh God...
    *rolls eyes*
     
  14. nandy0894

    nandy0894 New Member

    alpha!?
    oh God...
    * rolls eyes *
     
  15. nandy0894

    nandy0894 New Member

    hmmm..that sounds good..
     
  16. alpha1

    alpha1 I BLUES!

    Of course: Alpha1 is THE God.
     
  17. bjr

    bjr Lady of the Evening

    I wouldn't like to suggest an ending...but yeah, other people have said what I wanted to. Just to tell you what I'd do if I wrote what you did is I would probably cut the number of lines down to half. Some of the lines there just don't say enough...it's sometimes nice to see a lot of detail, especially in a short story of some sort but I wouldn't keep the same level in a poem. Also, you use a load of cliches...I didn't pick up on this till AJ's post.

    What I like is that you've painted a vivid picture. What I don't like is that you had to use too many words to do it...and maybe given too much detail. Maybe you should leave some room for the reader's imagination in there?
     
  18. nandy0894

    nandy0894 New Member

    hmmm ...
    i get it..i've said this before...that iv been trying to be precise.. but i am not really able to since a past few days or weeks or watever..nyways..thank you for pointing it out./.ill try this one again for sure...soon.. :)
     
  19. nandy0894

    nandy0894 New Member


    and says who?.. apart from you obviously..
     
  20. nandy0894

    nandy0894 New Member

    i'd like to say something..i dunno why...but i always compare you to Julius Caesar ..
    i can't figure out the reason..can you think of any??
     

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