Walking down this dusty road .. i come across this grand temple .. ah! the lamps are lit and how they burn! the sweet 'prasad' look how its churned! i go closer near to this magnificent building to know the occasion and i come across a howling crowd ..ah i get it .. its all in normal fashion Feeling a bit excited myself..i join the crowd the ladies dancing around ..not caring one bit about their sacred shroud i was tired..and hungry and i thought that for this i would need to walk a lot but.i was just being pushed forward fighting people and fighting the naked rays that the sun shot i felt like screaming out loud i just had to get out of this crowd while i was still thinking.. actually trying to think about all of this all hell broke loose..i held up my head to see was there something that i did miss? i saw a man .. walking so coolly with a broad smile and bad teeth out of the limousine i tried observing him ..but all i could notice was that his bodyguards were oh so mean! pushing people away even hitting some..letting no one touch 'His Highness' but what amazed me was that 'He' walked unperturbed dwelling in his prowess it was only after he had entered comfortably that we walked in .. 'He' sat on an elevated chair rubbing his beard..massaging his head as though already very tired ..he smiled at his own flair.. God' messenger ..he likes being called and everybody addresses him like that He smiles again clearing his throat moving his hand on his belly that's weighing with money..oh so fat to everyone who listens ..he is a such a simple man ..ah yes from the outside ask people who are close..that how dark and mysterious he is from the inside he talks of great deeds and things..each one so true touching your heart..his words dance in your ears..going right through His voice and behavior fluctuates among poor, rich and the powerful polite with rich..engaged with powerful and raging with the poor as a wild bull he talks for a minute and then goes silent closing their eyes people see god..he is no tyrant people fake ecstasy..they dance and they sing ah! what happiness does his graceful presence brings he gets up and leaves smiling at the few who sit in the first row.. they nod as well ..excited to attend the before booked strip club show he walks down the aisle still proud .. oh but he taught about submission today doesn't matter that's for those who care to follow..his bodyguards 'clear' the way he smiles at them and then winks and then he throws a few coins at them brisking away to his secret room..he kisses his earnings ..ah his sole gems laughing a wicked laugh but still with burning lust he leaves the room alone sweating a lil in his saffron cloth but not caring to take that handkerchief out his pocket on his own oh yesterday he he had taught his devoted crowd about self reliance and everyday he defies his own teachings..about anything..be it respect or compliance he sits in his limo again not caring to wave back to the frenzied crowd yet each one there bows and screams out their goodbyes out so loud i shake my head and care to finally breathe while the crowd with smiling faces walks away i also walk back home..still thinking..letting the my brain be calmed by the cold wind that sways thinking some more..i reach 'His' window of a completely black house the lights are out..hearing faint moans..ah maybe its just some mouse but when i listen closely i know exactly what it is.. so tranquil and transparent he had seemed siting on that high seat..that you imagined still waters but how would some one know reaching home .. he was tired, wild and frustrated..oh..the solution? he rapes his own daughters.. i turn back and i walk on..with watery eyes.. thinking of the dog and scanning 'his' lies and i then i know 'spirituality is commercialized' ..
I was a little disappointed...you had built it up really well but at the end of it, it almost seemed like reading a newspaper report. I would have preferred it being a little subtle or better thought out. Top marks for the title.
oops "thinking some more..i reach 'His' window of a completely black house the lights are out..hearing faint moans..ah maybe its just some mouse but when i listen closely i know exactly what it is.. so tranquil and transparent he had seemed siting on that high seat..that you imagined still waters but how would some one know reaching home .. he was tired, wild and frustrated..oh..the solution? he rapes his own daughters.. i turn back and i walk on..with watery eyes.. thinking of the dog and scanning 'his' lies and i then i know 'spirituality is commercialized' .." i guess you are taking about this part? Well, this poem hasn't really turned out the way i wanted it to be.. anyways..suggest me something..i mean some ending? ill try to write that part again..what say? and..yes..thank you
Ahh...finally something worth your capabilities... Though I hadn't thought you'd put the end so blatantly ruthless. Maybe a little subtler?? Still its a good read. And btw is it your experience (if yes, who are you refering to, may I know) or your thoughts??Reps, if I can.
with bjr on this one, these kind of subjects totally require more subtlety and to achieve that, you need to think about it beforehand. use symbols instead of talking about a man in a limousine..you don't have to directly say "he rapes his own daughters" but use some other symbolism to illustrate that..that's what poetry is all about. it was still a nice read, but with more effort it would seem like it came from an 18 year old :
maybe something like... His daughters carry his vengeful misdeeds, his wretched blessings in their wombs... Or something like that... You can change the order of words to have that devastating effect you desire too...
I wouldn't like to suggest an ending...but yeah, other people have said what I wanted to. Just to tell you what I'd do if I wrote what you did is I would probably cut the number of lines down to half. Some of the lines there just don't say enough...it's sometimes nice to see a lot of detail, especially in a short story of some sort but I wouldn't keep the same level in a poem. Also, you use a load of cliches...I didn't pick up on this till AJ's post. What I like is that you've painted a vivid picture. What I don't like is that you had to use too many words to do it...and maybe given too much detail. Maybe you should leave some room for the reader's imagination in there?
hmmm ... i get it..i've said this before...that iv been trying to be precise.. but i am not really able to since a past few days or weeks or watever..nyways..thank you for pointing it out./.ill try this one again for sure...soon..
i'd like to say something..i dunno why...but i always compare you to Julius Caesar .. i can't figure out the reason..can you think of any??