I wrote something last night Feedback please - Incomplete yet I have been walking.......for hours Dealing miseries.........in my life I have been walking.......walking all along walking all along the riverside Blinding lights and restless nights In the world of changing boundaries Pulling the punches off on the face Am the back seat driver of my life I'm dealing wreck in my head No peace to spare in the wake of the day I talk in to the microphone and never hear what I say Just when i see the light on me the world turns dark to feel noise from the neighbours hits the wrong chords of facts Is this the real? would someone tell me please How can i deal, with it, please answer me I have been walking.......walking all along walking all along the riverside
I think the first half of the verse is too literal. its like a running commentary of what your doing. I like the second half where you create nice pictures in my head with your words. id change the first bit if i were you.
Hi, Thank you for the comments, are you referring to these lines? I have been walking.......for hours Dealing miseries.........in my life I have been walking.......walking all along walking all along the riverside I shall try to work on it and see what i can come up with
yes! I think it would fit better together if you came up with something more metaphorical like the rest
Sure will try, I am no genius and does not have a great vocabulary, but will try!!!!!! Thank you for the response once again!!!!!!
Modified the entire theme i guess........here it goes Breath chokes me The minutes tick on Black holes in my head High tides fool around Blinding lights and restless nights In the world of changing boundaries Pulling the punches off on the face Am the back seat driver of my life I'm dealing wreck in my head No peace to spare in the wake of the day I talk in to the microphone and never hear what I say Just when i see the light on me the world turns dark to feel noise from the neighbours hits the wrong chords of facts Is this real? someone tell me please How do I deal with it, How better it can be? What do I do now? Looking down the cliff of sadness Do i jump? Will i fall In the lap of the good life? Whatever it is the minutes tick on.....
I like this a lot more. I hope you're not really taking inspiration from how you're feeling. suicide is not a great option because if there is an afterlife, you might end up feeling silly if you're doing it to end it all why does it show 7 stars instead of the word when i type in suicide?
Hahaha, no dude I do not have any suicidal tendencies whatsoever........wrote this over a period of time, but finished it just the day i posted here......Life is Beautiful, cheers mate