winter lullabye

"TO BED" I said, commandingly
Not one more game you'll play
"To bed" I said, It's getting late
The daylight's gone away

Lie in bed and whine you may
Make cartoons in the window frost
Lie and wait, the sandyman
Is late but never lost.

 

its been awhile but im back. Hope to read you all too.

 

wow
this was a terrific effort....cheer's baccha !
those dumb ppl who read but dont comment here....chek the connections betweent ur ears hands and mind .... F U C K the silence

 

hmmm... dat was short but somehow very effective for me atleast... u cud have extended it a bit but otherwise it was nice =)

 

ok im sorry i didnt even reply to you guys. wow has it really been a year now lol.



I havent even looked at this since but was thinking of maybe extending it a bit but dont want to stretch it if its not needed. so what do you guys think?

 

ahh.........all who belvie in beauty and happyness must appriciate

 

You don't like it?

 

I guess one or two paras would add to the effect, but good ones.......not that I doubt you!
nice poetry!

 

I want to distance myself from it and look at it dispassionately. I dont think Im successful at it. I like it and left to me, I'd want to make an epic out of everything I write lol


even the lol

 

Hm, yeah, but the amount of input you're asking for is a bit strange. You're asking if you should change the very poem. Do you think an epic poem would be better than this one?

 

lol I suppose you're right. Perhaps I should've been clearer in saying that all I'm asking for is opinions. I don't normally write something so short and this doesn't seem to have been very well received. If ppl here like it they reply. It seems pretty complete to me which is why i posted in the first place. I didnt leave much scope to expand on this by calling it a lullabye I think.

Im being pretty pendulum like in what im saying but maybe i should give you the background and why im even bumping this up after like 2 years? (checks date) 1 year but it was written about a year before i posted it.



When I originally wrote this I had and still have in mind a whole background of which this lullabye would probably be just a part. Perhaps what Im thinking of is a concept rather than a single poem or song which unfolds over maybe 5 or 6 different poems which is why i said id like to write an epic.

but seeing as Ive written 8 lines in the last 2 years, I wonder if I shouldnt just leave this as it is and use it somewhere. The opinions I need are for this being a standalone. I dont think I can judge it properly because I seem to know so much more about the 2 verses than someone else who might read it.


if im sounding confused, its coz i am.

 

why dont you explain the concept ..with some more of ur thoughts ...lol
( i liked it ..) reps added

 

^ what else one culd expect ...never - mind good try buster !!

 

Yeah thats what i was talking about.. I think you may be going to the other extreme of some people here, and taking critique a little too much to heart. It would be weird to ask if it should be longer because we dont know what it'll be when it's longer, unlike you.
Anyway, I like the shortness of it. In my opinion, epics tend to overexplain and that is more annoying than anything. It's better to keep it a bit cryptic, with a feel for the emotion.

Hm, with a possible snuff ending methinks.
Also. I think she^ likes you.

 

no I dont think so. Im just trying to encourage a little more opinion out of people which is why it comes across as "please tell me what to change so I can please you". its more like "what would you change if you were given the license to". this is more out of curiousity than anything else. a lot of people can give you offshoots which are more interesting than what you had in mind in the first place.


if i'm not making sense this time, its because its 5 am and i woke up because of mosquitoes :-s

 

I was trying to be a little funny there. A total disaster I now realize.

 

It's people like you who inspire it. Judging by an id is pretty much the equivalent of judging by looks.

 

Hmm, I guess I understand.. Still, it's kinda annoying when people take too much artistic license with your work.

So you're saying, there's a good chance that someone whose ID is like 'abhaythecool' or 'nottyprincs' will be an insightful and interesting person to talk to?

 

buster ...is a perfect if for buster .... buster shuld be slapped
detritus means crap

 

see thats the problem with taking the high road. I want to say "no" so badly here but alas i cannot



monica this is the internet. get used to it.