Hi folks! This is my first post here and I hope I fit right in with all you awesome people. Im sorry i havent read anything else yet and I swear I shall comment on other peoples threads as I go along. Im just a brand new virgin for now lol. ah this poem (or is it song?) was written in self defence to a line that Ive heard way too much recently "If Id known the last time I kissed you was the last time I'll ever kiss you......." so that got me thinking what if one of them knew their kiss was the last and then I started writing. This poem isnt exactly about that though. anyway read on and comment. any criticism that is fair is welcome. This is also the last time I try to rhyme my lines its so hard!!!! Swansong An uncomfortable moment shared As eyes meet and turn away Betraying a truth, twice untold In words that lips couldn't say. Awkward but inevitable I hold you close and realize One last dance is all I get Thinking back I close my eyes Moving in time to lips and love Moving in rhythm, getting it wrong I dance my dance to these memories You dance your dance to the song Eyes follow us like a spotlight Knowing yet not feeling Unaware, you mock my plight With dancing eyes, spirit freewheeling Moving in time to beat and strum Moving in rhythm, getting it right I dance my dance to the moment You dance your dance to the night. And as I lead you out of my life I live an eternity in every breath Tonight I dance with my life Tomorrow I shall dance with death. Please tell her I'm sorry. __________ Its very raw, I just wrote it yesterday so Im not even sure if its a song. I hope it is. I'd love to get feedback.
its awesome.. its been long since i saw good poems posted on this forum.. glad to read this atlast! so simple.. and subtle.. reps for you.
^Yeah,she's right..long time!!Well,the theme wasn't peculiarly worth praising but it's the way you expressed it!!I liked it...excellent work..you dun really get to read poems which actually make you feel the theme very often,but this one did!!Nice work..keep writing.
wow! I wasnt expecting praise like this at all. I was even nervous when I opened the site today but thank you so much!!! Id like to know if there were some parts that you disliked or liked more than others. Id write practically the same reply to imnotneo too. Thank you! I hope I'll be posting here more and improve. you can say negative stuff if you want to. thats what helps us get better. Ive commented on a shitload of poems now so id better get more comments!!! lol!
Before i comment on this, i would like to pointedly express the fact that i am not a good poet, nor that much of a reader of poetry. I enjoy the wordplay and the sensory activity, but i always interpret it in 10 different ways. Anyhow As you mentioned, it is evident that you spent a decent time getting the rhyming to work. Dont get me wrong, it was very good, but the next time, as you mentioned again, dont pay too much attention. If the poem's good, it wont matter. Next, the theme. The theme was a simple but universally felt one. The best part about it is, nearly everyone can identify with it. And then the poem becomes an eloquent articulation of our feelings thus making it very pleasing to read. Also you used good judgment. You didnt make the poem too grandiose or verbose. And thus it doesnt seem pretentious. Simplicity is truly elegance and silence is indeed golden, but too much of either tarnishes the overall quality. I was happy with the way you wrote out the poem in a simple and accessible manner. However with a theme like this, which is so personal and close to the heart, it is OK to use a few complex words. What i'm saying is, you clearly come across as a person having the potential to do a lot more, so dont 'dumb it down' too much. Apart from that, i have nothing to say. I enjoyed the poem and i will be looking forward to more from you. God bless.
phantastic ... i culd realate to it ... felt exactly the same onse ....bhuut accha I dance my dance to these memories You dance your dance to the song best lines..........
The way you comment to other people's poems convinces me that you're way better a poet than you come across on IGT. What I really like about this is the subtleness at places. Betraying a truth twice untold? Why would it be twice untold? I'm guessing that it means that the truth was the feeling they shared and twice untold because neither of them ever shared it with the other person? the lines madhuresh quoted were among my favourite as well...its almost like you started off with these lines and wrote everything else around them. The last line, quite clearly, sucks. Tell her I'm sorry?
ah okay. I thought it was a nice dripping end. Yes twice untold does mean that plus that they also knew what the other felt yet never let on. seemed kinda clever then lol. thanks for taking the time to take a look.
points taken but I almost always write songs and not poems and its not easy fitting in words like pulchritude to music. Im not dumbing anything down. Im just trying to use words that are easier on the tongue.
:grin: That's just a word i happen to really like missy. Again, point taken about songs and not poems.
some old story with some old words ...retold... !! anything new ... so does the cream works or ut still a blackie
point taken. but isn't it the same old emotion that everyone eventually bows to? Isnt it the same old story told in the same old way though each new person thinks they are special and hence different? I sued the cream company and won.
