Wel this might be an aggressive and angry poem, but speaks volumes about the current society, politics, technology, and war thats ruining our world... hope you like it! We are all sons of this planet. Look around us, is it pure? Is'nt there mountains of filth around? or are we waiting for more? Why are we slave to devices, machines and computers? Can we bear the darkness this technology has given us? or are we mute commuters? There was a time when 'Right'ists and 'Left'ists were preachers until the end of the last college day. But then they entered the sink of politics; and now they are, needle in the hay People who carry arms of destruction, Factions who put up masks of glory, by thrashing the weak, and steal from the needy, Is there an end to this story? The world needs progress, robots and I-pods. Quarks and nano-sciences, and a yearn for racing-cars. And every group needs a leader, to win the world, repute their name, Demons and atom-bombs, who'll raze all the other kind, But dont know the simple truth: An eye for an eye, will make this world blind.
only if its 'good' Warning: 'good' is relative word kiddin'.....u're welcome 2 make it better, remember its fun-thing.......no copyrights
^cheers to that..... I make some dark poems sometimes.... but hey, havent seen urs in a while, ur devil's taken a break.....we're waiting here.... urs r cool 1s
well you'll have to decide good i guess. now the nitpicking - We are all sons of this planet. Look around us, is it pure? Is'nt there hordes of filth around? (filth doesnt come in hordes, and if it did it would be aren't, not isn't) or are we waiting for more? Why are we slave(s) to devices, machines and computers? Can we bear the darkness this technology has given us? or are we mute commuters? There was a time when 'Right'ists and 'Left'ists were preachers until the end of the last college day. But then they entered the sink of politics; and now they are, needle(s) in the hay People who carry arms of destruction, Factions who put up masks of glory, by thrashing the weak, and steal(ing) from the needy, Is there an end to this story? The world needs progress, robots and I-pods. Quarks and nano-sciences, and a yearn for racing-cars. And every group needs a leader, to win the world, repute their name, (dont think repute as a verb can be used like this) Demons and atom-bombs, who'll raze all the other kind, But dont know the simple truth: An eye for an eye, will make this world blind. I didnt mean, improving i dont want to tamper with someone elses work, what i meant was constructive criticism. I think the poem tends to wander a bit, its not forceful enough. Rather than a 'dark' commentary its more of why oh why.. This could've been a good poem, but i think the choice of words in some places messes it up. Now im saying this assuming you posted this here to get critiqued, let me know if thats not the case.. Also, if you get the chance,i think you should read (if you havent already) the book 1984, by George Orwell , i think you might find it interesting.
^yea your corrections are very well pointed out......though I'd thought about all of 'em while writing, except for that needle(s) part.....I guessed I dint focus on that cuz I put the phrase 'as it was' to put some effect! but u saY its good den I'd favour your version I used 'repute' as a verb since people already use dis-repute as the same....."so why not try" as I felt during writing this and I wanted a proper word for "bunch/lots of" kinda thing....but could'nt find 1 that suits the rhythm......I'd made a choice (horde) but guess turned out wrong.....so u say!
hmm yeah i get it, write it in the spirit and dont edit it.. but i think it would make sense to go over it again and weed out grammatical errors before posting. well if people are using disrepute as a verb then that is also wrong im afraid, its generally used like 'he is reputed to be' or 'he was disreputed by'. hmm, see horde applies to objects, filth is just singular. you could make it filthy somethings or 'mountains of filth' or summin like that, dunno
about dead things and things which waana be dead... i do write .. see this Amunation i knw its comfort to move a corner and keep laying by the side of sides but arms my friend, so dead although, never find a meaning in cozy confides juicy rhymes you cant sing, 'cause the voice's wont meet u again Mr. why will find his way to your door, since you know those where, how and when the patterns of chaoes, so ritulistic, even the blind man knows his way to dreams if guns dont fire, the sinking breaths, create huge clouds of scared soles and screams atlest the juggellary of simple desires, will have a way with you, when for others you ow' so many words, what a wastefull effort, when what i mean is simply go !!
^wen did I say that? I meant i had to think hard to really understand it........realy its a good 1 rilly good../..I specially liked the end very much.... I guess u're very good at instant cuts......??....... n yea....did u make it for me? m flattered
