Employee Performance Evaluations
For everyone who has ever had an evaluation - just remember,
it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from
federal government employee performance evaluations.
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom
and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more
of a definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like
a rat in a trap."
5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change
6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails
to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the
10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it
11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary
12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
15. "He's been working with glue too much."
16. "He would argue with a signpost."
17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the
20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train
24. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out
looking for it."
25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a
26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get
27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
29. "One neuron short of a synapse."
30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only
31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes."
32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
Thus drifting afar to the dim-vaulted caves
Where life and its ventures are laid,
The dreamers who gaze while we battle the waves
May see us in sunshine or shade;
Yet true to our course, though the shadows grow dark,
We'll trim our broad sail as before,
And stand by the rudder that governs the bark,
Nor ask how we look from the shore!
Oliver Wendell Holmes